The Urban Woodsman

Have had hiatus from blogging due to, astonishingly, not getting annoyed about anything very much whilst commuting over winter. However, change in weather and first flush of spring obviously playing havoc with hormones as am now taking out High Horse for daily hacks.

On way to work, pick up Tube at Embankment where enter carriage to find youth dressed like Sean Bean playing Mellors in 1993 film version of ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ (must watch that again) but definitely not as good-looking, perched on one of the double seats that face each other across narrow walkway in carriage. Youth wearing tweed cap, with feet clad in highly polished, expensive, amber brown boots, one of which annoyingly posed on left knee and sticking out into walkway, position known as the ‘4-figure’ and adopted by men who think they are the bee’s knees. Thus, in order to pass without having sole of boot scraping on my coat, I will need to squeeze past foot jibing like dinghy away from wind.

I raise objection to foot being stuck out in corridor. Mellors is astonished at being podiatrally challenged and super-puzzled by apparent society breakdown – how come middle class woman is telling off middle-class youth?

This has surely never happened in entire childhood of Mellors otherwise he would have some manners.

Mellors objects to my objection.

I pull hard on reins of High Horse and come to fast halt with clouds of dust blowing up around hooves. Sit down in nearby seat and express robust response to Mellors. Forget to mention that in Middle Eastern culture 4-figure position considered v impolite and likely to result in punch to nose.

Additional bearded youth dressed head to foot in tweed, turns in seat behind me and, with uncanny ability of over-privileged middle classes to back wrong horse, which why they are hopeless at picking Grand National winners, tells me off for ‘shouting’, (i.e. raising objection at pitch louder than pupils at Cheltenham Ladies College always trained to speak so that they don’t over-shadow dim Hooray Henries they are engaged to).

Express opinion on middle-class sense of entitlement. Middle-class sense of entitlement current bug-bear for self. This cultural phenomenon allows the middle classes to behave as they wish, and then, when challenged, to accuse those who challenge them of ‘being rude’. Being rude is a big no-no in middle-class society, along with expressing any form of emotion other than joy when favoured sporting team win or child gets into chosen school. Advise Mellors and Tweedie Beardie that will feature them in my blog, which has desired effect of shutting them up.

When I arrive at work, and put steaming High Horse in stable, colleague listens to tale and shrieks with amusement, informing me I have met an Urban Woodsman (Mellors), apparently a new class phenomenon.

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