Mind the Gap!

The London commuter has evolved to be a simple, ruthless animal, subject to few emotions when travelling, generally contempt, anxiety and derision. Note eternal truth of this when taking Jubilee Tube from Westminster tube station in evening, en-route to Waterloo. Jubilee line most efficient on Underground, with trains arriving practically every minute to whirr off commuters at break-neck speed to next stop. Thus, no one, unless has plane to catch, and in which case, would not be taking Jubilee line, need worry little head about missing any particular tube train.

Enter Tube train, stand near door with shopping as only one stop, thus in excellent position for entertainment which follow. Tube doors start to close. As doors about six inches from full closure, see arm thrust desperately through door, where flail about a bit, followed by another arm. Commuters nearby stop whatever they are doing, and pay full attention to door.

Arms belong to young bloke dressed in green cardigan and, revealed as left leg is thrust through gap in doors, pebble coloured jeans.

Bloke apply full strength to wrench open doors.

Post-Traumatic Commuter experiencing two finely balanced emotions at same time, wound like tangled skeins of wool: 1) amusement, which start to bubble away like hot spring in which Japanese macaque monkeys keep themselves warm in winter and 2) anxiety in case train move away dragging cretinous commuter with it.

Cretinous commuter succeed in wresting open doors and plummet into train carriage, like pea shot from peashooter. Post-Traumatic Commuter burst out laughing.

Other commuters start laughing. At no point any commuter consider helping hapless commuter as too busy enjoying show.

Hapless commuter however, has rucksack, which still outside train doors.

Post-Traumatic Commuter fighting mightly to contain amusement as show continues with hapless commuter endeavouring to drag rucksack through tiny gap in doors. Merriment of other commuters not contained whatsoever, as bloke applies foot to gap in doors and, as though trying to drag reluctant elephant onto train, applies every last atom of strength to getting rucksack through doors.

Difficult to convey how unsophisticated this look. Suffice to say not kind of thing Cary Grant ever doing.

Rucksack finally pings through doors, almost bowling bloke over, and, as commuters wipe away tears of laughter, bloke takes seat, with air of Buddha sitting down under Bodhi tree.

‘Cool!’ says Post-Traumatic Commuter, mercilessly adding to general amusement, but somewhat reducing effect of being Comedy Queen when reaching for non-existent pole to hang onto and almost falling through space like Del Boy in ‘Only Fools and Horses’when bar top Del Boy is trying to lean on in pub is no longer in place.

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