Toes

A little competitive action at South Kensington Station between tosser and self to get on tube train first result in moral victory to self when skedaddle into optimum seat by glass panel, strangely left vacant by tosser, and actual victory to tosser when realise that reason seat left mysteriously vacant, tosser occupying one seat along, is because tosser have 180 degree vision and notice hideous pair of bandaged legs stretched out whilst at same time attempting to achieve optimum seat in manner of bloke playing Musical Chairs. Myself, being a) occupied by desperate attempt to gain optimum seat ahead of tosser and b) noting bandaged legs only when swinging into strangely vacant seat opposite and c) being short-sighted and thinking legs belong to normal bloke with broken ankles, do not see until triumphantly seated in optimum seat, that bandaged legs do not belong as one might hope, to bloke having suffered accident whilst on skiing holiday, but to Hideous Homeless Person.

This is not an exaggeration in this case as person very hideous in all aspects, and also homeless, unless overpowering aroma of stale vinegar and sepia coloured bandages covering swollen lower limbs from toes to knees normal in accident prone householder.

Now am stuck in close confinement opposite Hideous Weirdo who not only extremely pongy but extremely gobby. Eye in admiration elderly American couple sitting in seats beside him, seemingly oblivious to hideous pong. Important avoid all eye contact whilst raking Hideous Weirdo from head to horrible toes to take in all hideous details. Start reading free newspaper in manner of person not pretending to be reading free newspaper in order to escape unwanted attention of Hideous Weirdo sat opposite.

Toes indescribable.

Emotion when Hideous Weirdo suddenly shout ‘DOES ANYONE WANT TO SUCK MY CRUSTY TOES?’ indescribable.

Decide best policy is to demonstrate cracking sense of humour by smiling in light fellowship, showing deeply ingrained sense of social justice for poor homeless who have no bath facilities. Also have to stick on train as if get up will look like trying to escape Hideous Weirdo.

Decide Hideous Weirdo cannot be all bad as obviously restrained himself with comment.

Stop breathing and see if can make it to Victoria before passing out from lack of oxygen.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in commuting, humour, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s