My Stalker

Late leaving for work as need to record horse racing and can’t find empty tape. When get to station, am sitting on comfy steel runner that pass for seat quaffing cappuchino and reading Racing Post, when to utter horror, former stalker from down road turn up and sit down next to me. Freeze. Stalker elderly wizened shortcake who dog footsteps for several years, lurking in gateway smoking cheroots, making unsavoury comments such as ‘You got lovely legs’ when pass of an evening, not the kind of comment one requires from septuagenarian.

Stalker smiles weirdly. Note has good watch and shoes, and is in fact turned out like bloke who has money.

Fold up Racing Post and put lid on coffee.

‘You look nice’, drawls stalker.

Thank stalker for compliment.

‘Do you want to go to the Bear for a drink tonight?’ asks stalker.
Advise stalker schedule slightly busy tonight.

‘Wot you doing this weekend?’ say stalker, ‘We cud go for drink at The Grapes’.

Advise stalker have full social diary this weekend.
Stalker ask name. Advise stalker of such. Asks stalker if frequent Grapes. ‘Ooh yes,’ say stalker, ‘And Cornsheaf’. Remind self to avoid these hostelries at all costs, but discuss how Grapes gone downhill style-wise since refurb. Conversation gutter to halt, fortunately.

‘Do you want to go to the Bear for a drink tonight?’ asks stalker.
Advise stalker schedule slightly busy tonight. Then remember ‘We Are All Related’. Actually, do not feel am related to stalker. However, will make effort to be polite as feel (trifle) sorry for stalker as he live alone and unsurprisingly, he seems to have no friends.

Ask stalker where he going.

‘To King’s Cross, to meet friend’, reply stalker. Hmm, I think we can guess what kind of friend this is. Inspect stalker’s outfit. He seems to have spruced up especially.

Feel have done enough social chitchat with stalker, so start reading Racing Post. Out of corner of eye can stalker eyeballing me spookily. Concentrate on reading pedigree record of favourite for big race this weekend.

Train arrive. Now have to lose stalker otherwise will be stuck with him on train. Obv must do this in subtle way. Stalker get to feet and pick up handbag. ‘Here you are, L,’ he say politely, holding out handbag by strap. Now combo of Sir Lancelot and stalker. ‘Thank you’ reply with strangulated vowels. Realise politest man have ever met is stalker. Sidle away through group of commuters waiting to get on train. Commuter in suit exchange glance with me. Raise eyebrows to express am having stalker issue.

Locate seat next to someone, so stalker cannot sit beside me.

Get to Wimbledon, where realise have issue if stalker decide to attach self to me all way to South Ken. Do not want to hurt sensitivities by getting rid of him.

Stalker changes seat just before train gets to Wimbledon and now sits in seat diagonally opposite where smiles weirdly at me.

Get up to make run for it. Stalker says loudly ‘Av a good day, L’. Thank stalker, avoiding eyes of fellow passengers and depart unstalked at Wimbledon. Phew.

Races abandoned due to rain so now have two hours of ‘Countdown’ on tape.

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