Get on morning train to discover alarming presence of quartet of Well Brought-Up Young Surrey Ladies, enthusiastically chatting about Andy Murray. Heart sinks, as topic and fresh-faced girlish keeness can only mean one thing – The Start of Wimbledon, nightmare week in the Surrey Commuter Calendar. Confirmed when open ‘Metro’ to discover picture spread on bonkers Wimbledon fans camping outside gates of Wimbledon under umbrellas. ‘I’ve been camping out every year since 1975,’ quoth one deluded individual, cheery as Meg Merrilies.
Have catatonic shock at South Kensington tube station when spot bloke in blancmange pink shoes and grey suit, looking like feet stuck into two giant canoe-shaped marsh-mallows. Utterly horrific. Shoes could probably be seen from the International Space Station.
At ticket gates, broad-beamed lady, built like coracle, get stuck mid-way through with grandchildren. ‘Wide loads should go to the wide gates’, gate-man observe helpfully, not missing beat, levering her through gateway.